Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

o shit

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal