Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

back to work

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation