Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

2 years later

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Steam Forums

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁