Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.