[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.