Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂