Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

😅😅😅

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.