Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.