Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Help

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*