Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are