the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic