Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

this has to be peak English

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.