Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.