Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Writing, She Murdered.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys