Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Single worst piece of software ever invented

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.