[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
nobody’s gonna understand
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”