Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans