Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Seems legit.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.