Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month