[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)