Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

North and South

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.