[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
You Might Also Like
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!