[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
new dr. seuss book dropping:
I have a black belt in leather
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?