[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.