[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My neck my back my allergy attack
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?