[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
reviewed some movies recently
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.