Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.