Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

I’m about to risk it all

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

He-man has a Masters degree

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

this has to be peak English

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”