[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack