Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Wednesday

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Godspeed, John Glenn

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom