Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

smartest karate player in the world

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog