[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Meanwhile in Portland…
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
sigh
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.