Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Jurassic park gets weird

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

I can’t stop watching this.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.