[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Worst perfume name ever.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there