[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.