Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

sugar glider wrangler

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.