The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure