@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.

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@Marlebean

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@TheCiscoKidder

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@tsm560

That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@AnOrangeSNES

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure