@Marlebean
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
@CelebrityChez
(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
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@Marlebean
@TheCiscoKidder
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
@iLikeCatShirts
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
@StashTheTash
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
@tsm560
That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.
@Dalm_Lipbalm
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
@AnOrangeSNES
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
@MondayPajamas
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
@Iwriteforcats
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure