@catstronomical
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
@CelebrityChez
(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
You Might Also Like
@catstronomical
@AngelaEhh
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
@sadvil
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
@SortaBad
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
@Dawn_M_
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
@DianaH1314
Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week
1. No such thing
2. I hate you
@henchbeaver
Nincompoopery is my favorite kind of poopery
send tweet
@TheToddWilliams
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
@AsgardianRose
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
@Darlainky
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.