@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.

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@catstronomical

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

@AngelaEhh

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@TheToddWilliams

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@Darlainky

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.