2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
You Might Also Like
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I have no passwords left in me
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share