*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: I’ve got crabs
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock
no, I’m not sorry
I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]