@NicestHippo *runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor
@CelebrityChez (Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
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@NicestHippo 
@Darlainky Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
@Jeffwni [1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
@pleatedjeans Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
@jennnjennnm if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock
thats humerus
no, I’m not sorry
@charliedelta7 I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@bentev28 My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
@WhiteFolkProbs Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
@randypaint billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
fireman: what
billy joel: can i sing them to u
@RocketRankoon Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]