@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.

You Might Also Like

@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor

@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

@Jeffwni

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@jennnjennnm

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock

thats humerus

no, I’m not sorry

@charliedelta7

I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@WhiteFolkProbs

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@RocketRankoon

Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]