Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

#ParentingFacts

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.