Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY