Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

You got this…

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

#SaturdayBears

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Start the year as you intend to continue.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.