Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.