Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

new record!

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

🏙👨🏼

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.