[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
You Might Also Like
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Every photo I’m tagged in
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders