Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter