Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.