Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how