Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.