[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
You Might Also Like
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
🐕🍷
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.