Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

I mean…but I did

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf