Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Joseph Smith, 1833

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.