Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Tammy is short for Tamuel