[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
A roof is a house hat.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Wait for it
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Looking at you, Jesus.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!