Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?