Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand