[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Möther may I have a snäck
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
mood
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady