Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?