“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.


Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave


Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”


my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again


Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.


b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’


doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.


[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?