Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
What’s the downside of house arrest?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
-‘melancholy lake house’
I only treason on days ending in y
doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?