“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough


7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?


Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.


Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff


Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.


My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc