@ericsshadow

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

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@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@stephanieck72

I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough

@MissNaughty1801

7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?

@Ilovelamp1979

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@shanethevein

Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.

@joeljeffrey

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

@Jamberee13

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc