Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones