Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.