[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Storm Tropical Storm
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”