Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.