[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.