[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Canada has crack?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.