[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If only.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
secret recipe
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn