I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
“What’s your strongest trait?”
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
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SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale
BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me: I need a bank loan please
Bank Manager: How much?
Me: Like really badly
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.