Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows