[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.