[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Eating for two.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Time heals everything 🙂
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down