[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
FRED: right
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’m sorry…what?
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Alexa: *deep breath*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.