A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”
Doing your job.
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.
Police Officer: whose drugs are these?
Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss
Me: Owen wtf
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?