@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

@The_JRM

The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

@50FirstTates

Police Officer: whose drugs are these?

Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss

Me: Owen wtf

@iLikeCatShirts

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@IAmYardDad

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

@ACartoonCat

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

@primawesome

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.