Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing