Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.