Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

There are no pants in heaven.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Battery falling down a hole

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.