Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.