[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow