[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”