Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT