Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy